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2003-11-21 - 6:47 a.m. well, the awkwardness continues. Dammit, i fucked up everything. Why can't i just leave well enough alone? I hate myself for this one. Nutcracker this weekend...not on crew for that. I feel really left out. Especially because TOM got put on crew before me. not cool. Nothing against him, i just really wanted to do this show. So i have nothing to do all weekend. I think Britt wants to hang out...i don't know. I'm kind of liking my distance here. I love the cold, and i like being alone sometimes. I don't know. I just don't want to spend the weekend pretending to be happy and enjoy myself for their benefit. I want to do tech. That's what's been keeping me sane these past 3 or 4 weekends, and especially this week. ...The funeral's tomorrow. They've been in my thoughts and prayers, and i'm coming to terms with it. Amanda is so incredibly strong-she's amazing. It's really nice and cold and crisp and clear today. That is my favorite kind of weather. Especially when it's dark. I didn't study for 3 tests that i have today. I'm going down. ah. well. who gives a shit, right? apathetically yours, Lan
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