|
|
2004-07-29 - 12:37 a.m. so here i am in avalon again. not drunk this time. it's weird, i just felt like i'd rather have control of myself. it used to be that getting drunk was a way of getting control, by losing it on purpose. it was weird. but anyway, i'm here. the weather's not great, although it could be worse. i think it's looking up. i took a walk tonight when it stopped raining, and i walked along the beach by myself. the sun was setting and it was the most beautiful scene i've ever experienced. But i was alone, and i had no one to share it with. and despite the utter beauty of it all, i became profoundly lonely. then i went home when it got dark, and figured, well, it's just a slump, i'll drink myself out of it. and i had a few, but i just wasn't up to it. that was several hours and a few movies ago. i feel weird now it's odd, i generally have a crush on someone, and i like them and i can't be with them and that's that. but right now i feel like i don't know what i want. i know that there's a few people out there that i genuinely like, but maybe not very seriously and i don't think they know i do. then there's a couple people that i've liked for a long time, who know it, and who are blissfully ( or so it seems) attached, ( to friends or former friends of mine) and i've become so used to the pain and futility of the situation that the aching feeling has almost completely subsided, to the point where i can't feel anything and i don't care. yet the apathy unnerves me. i have elliot smith and dashboard stuck in my head right now. it's not a happy place. maybe i will get drunk now. might as well.
|