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2004-06-12 - 4:40 a.m. well it's been a while. things are kind of crazy again, and i'm really not sure how to deal. i feel like i'm losing control of my life again. things are going back to the way they were a year ago, yet with one very distinct difference that tears at me every day. in some ways the pain has gone away, but then again when i think about it, or am in situations that remind me of what's happened in the past, it hurts so bad i can't stand it. i know that i fucked up and that it's all my fault, and i would apologize and beg for forgiveness if i thought it would help, or if i thought it was really what i needed in my life. in some ways, i know that i'm better off, but then again, how can i be if it hurts this much? losing a friend like that hurts, it really does. and despite everything that's happened, i still care about him. i don't know if he realizes that. i have so many other friends and so many other things have happened in my life since then, but without him being my friend, it's just not the same. he's just one of those people that i can't get away from, no matter what i do he's just so ever present in my life. and it kills me. there's other things i could worry about, like my deteriorating friendship with Brittany, the drama with Heather, the fact that Melissa is a completely different person than she used to be, the distance between me and Jeannette, the fact that i'm now friends with Mike and Angela, i feel like i never see allison, shit with tom and maddie, the weirdness of speaking to rachel again...the list goes on. but all i think about sometimes, especially when i'm lonely, depressed, mildly drunk, and online at 5 am, is matt. and right now, i don't care who knows it. i feel so terrible about what happened. i would apologize until the day i died if i thought he would be friends with me again. it's not that i can't accept the fact that he hates me, because i have. it's just that it drives me crazy. that's enough true confessions for today. i'll be drunker tomorrow.
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