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2003-10-15 - 8:56 a.m. So I passed out last week. It was really scary. I was in Bio class and i felt really naseous, and i got up to get a pass from Mr Mecouch and then i started blacking out. Then i woke up on the floor. It was the scariest thing ever. I fell forward, hit the doorframe, and then fell. My head still hurts where i hit it, and it was a week ago. I missed the rest of the day wednesday, and then thurs and fri. lotta work to make up. I think i'm just going to lose my mind. Well, i suppose i already have. Now i've just gtiven up hope of finding it again. Everytime i think i'm okay, everytime i think, "i can live with this, i can get through this," something happens. I hear a song, read a book, run across a picture. And it all comes back...and i can't deal with it. I know it happens to everyone, and i know it was a long time ago, but it isn't even just him, just that. It's everything that happened before and everything that's happened since, just coming back and getting to me. I want to be with someone...but the someone i want to be with is someone i can never have. And that's just the way it is, and it's just the way it's gonna be. and there's nothing i can do, i can't control this. And i have to realize that i can't control this. I can't control anything right now... My mom's been forcing me to eat since i passed out. Now lemme tell you, this whole fainting thing scares the SHIT out of me, because i can't control it. And because of it, i lost another control factor that i had. I do not like losing control, and i need to get it back. i've only got one way left, and i don't want to go back to that. But if that's what i have to do... *pain is weakness leaving the body*
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