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2004-01-07 - 6:34 a.m. so i've realized what it is that's confusing mw so much about my situation with my friends. I want two mutaully exclusive things. see, one part of me wants the "drugs, sex, rock n roll" life. It's very inticing. It gives me momentary happiness, a feeling of normality, coolness, acceptance. the other part of me desperately wants to be a good christian, do the RCIA thing, lead a happy life, be a nun or a missionary and be eternaly content. one problem. the first one is easy. the second one is hard. i know which one is the right choice, that's a no-brainer. But it doesn't mean that's the one i'll always pick. That's the choice that's in my heart. but to really do that, i'd have to cut out a lot of people in my life. The ones that influence me or reminf me of all that. you know, if your right hand causes you to sin, cut it off and all that. but some of those people mean the world to me-they're really good friends. so how can i just cut them out of my life? a big part of me wishes i were (and tries to be) humble enough to just surrender to God. Give myself up to Christ. But i think that i've been disappointed so many times that i'm afraid. i know, know one who has faith will be disappointed. But do i have faith? i'm not sure what i believe. i never really questioned myself before recently, and it's upsetting. i know that i believe in God, and i believe what the Catholic church teaches, although there are a few fine points I'll argue with. There are two people who i feel like i could talk two about this, one on each side. However, neither of them wishes to speak to me. So until they do, or until i figure this out, i don't know where i'm going.
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