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- so..things have been weird lately the formal was fun. i never thought i'd have fun alone, but i did (i decided not to take brian cuz the group bailed). It was actually a blast and stage managing is going well, depote the fact that i think i'm doing a relaly crappy job (considering i dont know what im doing at all) and i've been hanging out with some cool people one probelm-they're underclassmen. is it bad to like freshmen...? o well we had a party tonight with people who are actually cool it was fun *** in other news : *things* are still bad. i'm not sure how i feel about it..them...how this is now i'm good at pool now, apparently. i do not know when this happened. i like, beat people last night...it was insane. being at the pool hall last night felt a little weird it's like everyone that i cared so much about the last several months is out of my life...and i dont know what to think. should i accept this and move on, hoping for better things, or consider it all my fault and try to see how i can change and get things back the way they were before. was i happier before? do i want thinkgs to go back to that? this pain is different, and i know that it too will fade...but i wonder how long it will take. i'm so afraid that im pushing everyone away all the time. i expect to wake up everyday and have no friends. i feel like i'm surprised everytime anyone wants to hang out with me. it seems like i'm a terrible person,a nd no one wants to tell me until it's too latel, the damage has been done and the releationship ruined. thats one of teh reasons i didnt want to be with brian. he's a nice person...who seems to think i'm faultless. and i'm not. i need someone who's willing to be honest with me, and accept me, but to help me try to change. noto to just hope i'll change. i'm a selfish person, and i know this, but no one ever calls me on it in a wasy that doesn't make me totally defensive. I need a FRIEND. and im not sure if i have any right now im out
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