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2003-12-02 - 3:51 p.m. oh no. i think i have really fucked things up again. what's new, right? i wish i didn't try so hard to do the right thing. i wish i could just keep my mouth shut. i care about them both so much, all three of them, and i just don't know where to talk and where not to. i couldn't look her in the eye and say that nothing happened. she would have known, anyway. and i would expect my best friends to do the same for me. but on his side, i would expect my friends not to say anything. but i always keep shut about this kind of thing. i assume he's pretty mad at me. and that upsets me, but i can deal with it. i think. maybe i can't. i don't know, i get so upset when he's mad at me. but he certainly has a right to be. but she had a right to know. really, she did. i can't deal with this. i can't. i can't i can't i can't. i wish i were dead, i do. then i couldn't fuck up people's lives. that would be for the best, wouldn't it? maybe i'll have the balls some day.
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