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2004-07-20 - 3:01 p.m. okay. so everything's a little weird right now as usual. i seem to be at at least some point of civility with everyone. There was a trip to denny's and such. it was awkward, but not in a bad way. i've been really down lately over shit...it's been bad. But i haven't killed the bottle of vladi yet. i think you'd have to have a stomach and tongue of iron to drink that shit too often. and the memory of the three day hangover is too fresh in my mind. I've given up caring what anyone else thinks since i'm not sure anyone has the balls to tell me anymore. sweet. i've scared away everyone who cares. and the ones that aren't scared are too damn busy to notice. but eventually i figure everything will come to a crashing halt. so everyone will have to realize what's going on. i've been sitting in my room for the last three days doing nothing. Thinking about how i am truly a worthless person. Staring at the bottle of vodka and defying it. which i'm kind of proud of. i need to get out of here. I need to get out of this town, get out of this life. I need a new setting, a new scene to pull the curtain up on. ( I realize that my life is full of theater references. forgive me) It has come to my attention that people actually read this diary. i find that kind of interesting. This is where i tell the most brutal truths. i hold nothing back. i don't really care who reads it or what they know. Some of the entries are less inhibited than others. Alcohol, of all of the things it does to you, forces you to tell the bitter truth. so i do. maybe i seem like a whiny bitch sometimes. If you have a problem with that, shove it. I don't need you. if you genuinely care, good. keep it up. you're a better person than i'll ever be. i would never have the patience to deal with me. and eventually, i'll stop shoving you away and realize that i need you. right now i don't know how to deal with people who care. i'm used to the oblivious people, the people who say, o you're upset? here, have a drink. it'll go away. and it does. so i do. but eventually, i'll get control of myself and realize what's best for me. and maybe you'll still be there. maybe you won't, and that will be my fault. but thank you fot being there. i need to know that someone cares.
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