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2003-12-15 - 6:39 a.m. o dear...this weekend has been...er..lovely. Thursday night was just terrible. Friday night was horrendous...although it seems my hatred of choir is well concealed. I won the "Barbara Benglian award" for the altos, along with Melissa. I'm an "inspiration." Great. That was for the Messiah Friday night. Which Matt attended and participated in. And hecompletely avoided me. And everytime I see him i just want to cry. I feel like absolute crap. I can't believe I did that. You know, it seemed like the right thing to do then, and for some time after. But now, i definitely think it was not worth it. Rachel doesn't seem particularly greatful, and i hurt Matt and Britt. So what have I accomplished? i fucked everything up big time. i was watching "It's a Wonderful Life" (which by the way, it is not) and I realized that while George Bailey thought he was a worthless piece of crap, and i n rality he was the "richest man in town" i am actually worthless. I have never done anything great. i have never touched anyone's life in some wonderful way. No one wanted me to exist in the first place, especailly my mother. It would be better if I had never been born. Really, i think it would . I'm just an inconvenience to my friends. It must be a really irritating burden to have to worry about your depressed friend all the time. I don't want to kill myself, that's too much trouble. I just wish I had never been born.
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